The Ocho

As it stands, I am merely a human. Full of human emotions. Influenced by everything that has ever happened to me and how I perceived what I have experienced filtered through my own desires and views of the situation as it stood.

I am a slave to my past. I resolve to be so no longer. More precisely, I resolve to break free from that which ruin the good in my life. As such, herein I shall express my thoughts and feelings without filter. Since none but a few close to me read this, I feel reasonably safe expressing myself freely.

Perhaps we will start with connections. Human connections are of the utmost importance to me. I am sure this is the case for most. In my case, the situation is extreme. I have extreme emotional reactions when I am left on my own for more than a few waking hours. The emotions range from light anxiety to absolute panic fueled by fantastic visions of all of my closed and dearest friends and lovers dead, dying, or betraying my is the most disturbing manners possible.

Notice that how I worded that? “when I am left on my own”
As if I am abandoned intentionally, or as if it is someone else’s responsibly to stay close to me and to keep me safe.
Insights daily. Exercise. Practice. If I keep this up, perhaps, one day, I will be able to have a relationship that I do not destroy out of ununderstood panics and self doubt. Maybe one day, I shall truly feel worthy of being loved and appreciated, and therein shale I become a confident, generous, friendly human able to make mistakes with crushing shame.

Ho Hum. We will see if I can continue.